From Darkness to Light: My Journey of Spiritual Rebirth
- Cadija Barnett
- Aug 1
- 7 min read
2018 was my catalyst year for deep change and transformation. It was the year I felt the pressure of my life falling apart before my eyes. There was a choice: darkness or life.
But before I get deeper into this story, know that there’s more that led up to this. I won’t be sharing in chronological order—because we already know time is not linear.
The Weight I Carried
I’d spent a large part of my adulthood in a state of functional depression. That is no longer my story. Through sheer willpower, I was able to persevere. I am owning my willpower.I had to access that; no one ever gave it to me.
I am owning my willpower. I had to access that; no one ever gave it to me.
The Job That Broke Me Open
In 2015, I’d left a job that I felt had mistreated me. I’d been promised an opportunity to be a Supervisor, only to have the job given to the owner's long-time friend and mentor. Then, the location I was working at closed, and I was asked to take a pay cut to transfer to a different location. I remember it being a difficult decision. This job had allowed me to move out and have my own place with my two children after separating from my now ex-husband.
Because I’d left my job, I had to move back home. I remember writing a letter to my mom asking her to take care of my children because I wanted to move and establish myself in a place with more opportunities so that I could provide for my children. It would have only been temporary. She was not having it!
I felt boxed in. Even though there were options. I just didn’t want to consider them because they would be too hard. “Their Father?”, you ask.
Leaving the Father of My Children
I don’t remember the exact year I left him, ~2010/early 2011. My daughter was about two or three, and my son, right behind her in age. I remember going to stay at my Mother’s house temporarily because some bs problems were happening at our place. As I was leaving one day, on the stairs of my childhood home, my eldest sister Camille was either coming or going, I can’t recall, and she grabbed me and said to me, “You can come home. He’s only bringing you down.” What she said rang true, because I’d already wanted to, but I didn’t want to split my family. It was the sign I’d been praying for from God that it was okay to leave him. He was a man in survival mode, and because of it, there wasn’t any consistency or stability. In the end, we co-created two beautiful children, who were both planned. So, I came home. Some crazy things happened that made me have to cut my now BD off. I hated doing it. At the same time, I feared for my safety and the kids. That was my experience.
The Marriage That Wasn’t Meant to Be
I shortly thereafter met my ex-husband. Not really, though, we'd essentially reconnected (we all know that story). We’d known each other since approximately age 7 (for me). He was funny, loving, and attentive. But we shouldn’t have gotten married. We married each other for the wrong reasons. And even though we had love for each other, it wasn’t the kind necessary to sustain a marriage. We ended. Badly. We still don’t speak to this day—an example of things going sideways.
I know I’ve mentioned some terrible endings to my relationships. But these were influential, impactful, and important relationships in my life. I also have nice stories of ending things. You can ask me about those another day, if you really want to know.
2018: My Spiritual Rebirth
So where are we now in the story? I’d like to say my early adulthood, 19-26, no maybe 19-23. There aren’t many pictures out there, but I had locks. I would cover my hair and only wear skirts. Didn’t wear makeup. Smoked A LOT of ganja. People think a man turned me Rasta. Nope! It was all me. I grew up being the darkest of my sisters and having the “kinkiest” hair. Colorism exists. STRONG! Especially in the Caribbean. And because of this, I had a tormented relationship with my identity. I didn’t know who or what I was. An identity crisis. Some of my identity crisis also stemmed from being a first-generation American, which I’d learn later is not the exact truth. In that sense, I wasn’t American enough or Caribbean enough. I wasn’t Black enough or any other ethnicity enough. Those were the messages I received and internalized. Stuck between places. I'd eventually begin my journey back to self at this time.
A Marking Moment
A marking moment of my journey of self-discovery began the end of high school. I remember being 18, about to graduate from high school, and my sister left to go to New York and live. Calyann, and at that time, she was the one I was closest to. I was most heartbroken because I don't ever remember her having a conversation with me to tell me she was leaving. I overheard her talking to my mother. I was devastated. She was, well, kind of my everything. (We spent a lot of time together.) This was my experience.
With both my older sisters gone, it was just my mom, my little sister, and me in the home. Eventually, my little sister went to live in Trinidad with my father. And only my mother and I remained. Our relationship is also one of beauty and transformation that I cherish every day. Also, a story for another time, if you really want to know.
Finding Rastafari & Shedding What Didn’t Fit
In a search to discover my spiritual purpose and identity, I set into the Pan-African Library of knowledge. With my Caribbean heritage, I quickly fell in love with Rastafari. I decided to claim my blackness, even though in the past I would be called an Oreo by others and my blackness questioned, I chose to embody my African Ancestry through the lineage of Jah fully. I exercised every day, ate healthy, all the things. And with that comes those moths to the flame! But I'd had no training, no lessons on the pitfalls of men, dating, relationships. I had to learn everything the HARD way. As shown by the two examples above.
Eventually, in 2012 I removed my physical locs (energetically, they are still there). It was because of a covenant I made with myself when I began my spiritual journey into Rastafari. I recognized that I began to sway from the very "conservative" beliefs I had. It was enough for me to not want to be a "fashion dread." I felt deep respect and reverence for Rastafari, and for me, to wear locs, my Spirit required a certain level of discipline.
A Sacred Invitation
In 2017, I wanted to deepen my knowledge and connect with community. I found this ad on Facebook for Sacred Waters Retreat. A retreat for Black women. A place where I could fellowship and commune with sisters who looked like me and were walking a parallel path. I believe it was their first retreat. I didn't know any of the organizers or attendees. I didn't even know if it was a scam. But Spirit said, “Go!” So I did. A decision that changed my life! I met someone there who would become someone I considered to be a Spiritual Godmother, along with many other delightful Spirits whom I still fellowship with today. My Spiritual Godmother was instrumental in helping me through my passage in 2018 that led me to the decision of darkness or life.
2018: My Spiritual Rebirth
So fast-forward to the near present/present. In 2018, when my life was falling apart. As I'd mentioned in the beginning, I was watching my life fall apart before my eyes. I felt Spiritually stuck. I'd hit a glass ceiling. I felt trapped in myself and trapped in the decisions I’d made that had me experiencing suffering on a level that was suffocating at times. But again, my sheer will and desire to be. I just had this energy of continuing on. AND I still do. So, I'd reached out to my Spiritual Godmother and shared with her where I was. She invited me to have a reading done and all the other things that came along with it. That will never be shared. It belongs to the realm of the Source, which is Sacred and must always be held. She opened her heart and home to me. Through her, I’d had the biggest Spiritual Transformation to date (there will be more). I'd found my path. I was able to choose life. She helped me do that. And to her I am forever grateful.
Remembering My Spiritual Lineage
The thing is, I've known since I was a child of my Spiritual Nature, inclination, and intuition. I believe that's why my Maternal Grandmother kept me so close to her. She was a Seventh-day Adventist. She was a Warrior. She was a Matriarch. She is an Ancestor. I lived in Florida, and my Grandmother (Mama) lived in New York; there was only so much she could do from afar. There hadn't been any guidance for me on my Spiritual journey, but Spirit. The communities I’d once been a part of still didn't fit. And again, through the love and sight of my Spiritual Godmother, I’d found my Way. And it was only for me. And through this experience since 2018, I’ve been under the tutelage and guidance of so many elders and truly held by a beautiful Spiritual Community, where we stay connected to Spirit while fulfilling our duties as caretakers of the Earth and beings of light—my Starseed family. And through my Spiritual Community, I’ve been able to expand my Soul Tribe. Because now it is time for the orders to co-exist openly.
THIS IS THE WAY.
This is who I am as Elemental Black Woman. A guide, in the way that I needed, through my experiences. Reaching out to those who are reaching. Know that I am here to hold space for you. The “I” who wants to know the way of the “I”.
With much love and respect, thank you for tuning into my story.
Cadija B.
Elemental Black Woman
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