I struggled with this being one of my first entry. At the same time, I felt that this life event summed up my past, my present, and future journey. I also felt that it was important that this be the safe space for Women of Color to experience the power, strength, love, and unity of their fellow sisters. With that being said, My Journey in Health has become imperative when I was diagnosed with Fibroid(s).
Here I was sitting in the Women's Clinic feeling numb. For at least the past year I had been experiencing abdominal pain, spotting in between my periods, fatigue, anemia, and discomfort during sexual intercourse. I was scared, with a plague of Automatic Negative Thoughts running around in my head stomping out my rationalizations to stay in a positive mood. No surprise here, my ANT's were winning. So, I went to my familiar coping mechanism of numbing myself when my thoughts and feelings got too crazy. It didn't help that the doctor was late and I ended up stewing in my thoughts for about 3 hours. When I finally met the doctor, he was polite and had great bedside manner. This helped me explain the symptomology I was experiencing and how it has been 2 years since my last pap smear. I lay back on the examining table exposed, with my legs spread open, staring at the horrendous ceiling tiles waiting for him to finish my pap smear. Afterwards he said, "I'm just going to do a quick ultrasound." It was not the on top of your belly ultrasound, but the one where they insert it into your vagina (trans-vaginal ultrasound). I felt my body tense as he inserted the probe. I continued staring at the ceiling tiles trying to fight the racing thoughts of all the things that might be wrong. He then turned the screen to me and pointed to a ball against my uterus. He stated, "You have a Fibroid pressing against your uterus. It's about 5 by 4.5 centimeters. It's even changing the shape of your uterus." I looked at him confused. I was never good with time-spatial application and did not know what that size amounted to. And frankly, I was just scared as shit. He then proceeded to say, "It's almost the size of a tennis ball." I felt my eyes widen and the words automatically escaped my lips, "That's huge." He responded, "No one has ever told you about this." I retorted, "No one has ever done an ultrasound." He tried to hide the disappointment that I, without a doubt, vividly expressed on my face towards my previous doctors. He quipped, "Your ovaries look healthy." But, that didn't make the news any easier. He attempted to lessen the blow by exclaiming, "It's very common in women of color." He then told me to just monitor it and get bi-annual ultrasounds to make sure it didn't grow. No matter what he said I still felt betrayed. Betrayed by the doctors who never conducted a simple ultrasound. And emphatically betrayed by my body. Unfortunately, this betrayal was not an unfamiliar feeling. I had felt betrayed by my body before. During my pregnancy with my daughter in 2007, I was unable to have a natural vaginal birth. But, that's a story for another time.
I left the clinic feeling less than. Although, he tried to tell me it was common and I had heard of and read numerous accounts on Fibroids, I still felt alone. I felt alone because this is MY body. The body, that only I alone can live in.
So here I was feeling betrayed. That feeling did not leave me for a few days. During that time I cursed my body, my previous doctors, just any and everyone. The external blame transformed into internal blame. "Why me? What had I done wrong? Why didn't I know that this was what was going on?" Even with my loved ones reliving their experiences (both current and present) on Fibroid(s), I never thought that was MY issue. I could only empathize with them. But, here I was feeling sympathy, remembering the countless stories I'd heard. I jolted myself out of my cyclical rant by screaming, "ENOUGH!" I NEEDED to be more than just a victim. Although, I may have felt betrayed by my body, "What did my body feel about me?". I began to go over my habits, first focusing on all the good things I did for my body. I tried my best to take care of myself. I ate healthy by being a practicing vegan. I bought as many organic items as possible, and tried to limit my exposure to toxins. My list was not as long as I thought it was. I quickly became aware of how I neglected my body. However, exercising was not on my list of to do. I know that socially, I had drank more than my fair share of alcohol. I used to smoke and had laid with men that definitely did not deserve to experience me. I held on to hurt and pain for too long. And like all women, I carried it in my womb. Here was my body telling me to treat her better and to let go. What is interesting, is that prior to my visit to my doctor I had begun a healing journey about 5 months both physically and emotionally. The universe began showing me opportunities to be in places with strong powerful women who would be able to help me during this future time and help me grow and heal as a woman. In September 2017 I decided to return to my vegan roots. In September I also wrote a healing letter to my ex-husband. I hadn't spoken or seen him in about 2 years. I felt like it was time. I WANTED and NEEDED to heal from our toxic relationship.
As I write this today, it has only been about a week since I received the news. News, that changed my life. News, that I was now a statistic of approximately 80% of black women who are diagnosed with fibroids. A statistic from the medical community that this is the cost of being a black woman. It may be just a footnote in the medical community… but for me, it is a problem too prevalent to just ignore. I want to share with you my journey. My intentions are that this is journey towards health. A journey where I can share my experience of treating my body how she deserves, so that she can treat me the same in kind.
-Signed
Ele-mental Black Woman
Cadija Zahra Asha
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